Undercover Cupids
by The Golden City
Summary: Meet Rebecca. She's crazy, psychotic, funny and Kowalski's new Girlfriend. Meet Rico. He's crazy, Psychotic, funny and Kowalski's best friend. Now Meet Private. He's confused, wary, creative and willing to do whatever it takes to get his friends to finally realize how much they care. But what would happen if someone was already doing so?
1. Chapter 1

**People's, Full length story. Full length story, people's.  
Have you two met before?**

**So anyway this story was inspired by Crazy-Pairing-Girl's review to my story Penguins Of Madagascar StoryOmatic. **

**I honestly saw it and went **

**O.O**

**I want. To do. That story. **

**So here it is! Trololololo! I love inventing complete randoms! Too much fun, too much fun. **

The morning sun was warm on his back as he approached the metal gates of the junkyard, trainers kicking up dust as he approached the towering fences. The sky overhead was a clear faded blue, a faint wash of orangey clouds like a streak of paint on the horizon. The scene would have been perfect if not for the barbed gates and piles of ash, broken metal and cars.

Just as he was reaching for the buzzer he was stopped by a faint swish and the sound of Heavy rock music drifting down from above. Leaning back he looked up just as laughter joined in with the screaming vocals.

"I'll pay you not to touch that buzzer bro." The girl was leaning out the window, arms crossed over the wonky brick work, dark hair tugged into a loose side ponytail as she grinned down at him. "You here to make more spazzo inventions?"

He raised an eye-brow. "On the contraire Sparky, I am actually here for car-parts. A friend of mine has been having car trouble."

He almost cracked up laughing at the lie. Car trouble? More like Rico attempting to teach Private to drive in the teams pink flowery jeep out on a country road and crashing into an oak tree because they were arguing over whether it was drizzling or raining.

"Oh oh oh." The girl chuckled, leaning even further out the window. "Going deep into Sebastians territory Ay? Give him a kiss from me!" She teased, bright green eyes set at a stunning contrast to the smudged eye-liner under her eyes witch made her look like some sort of panda, ducking back inside the old office's window and slapping the button to allow the gates to grind open.

Rolling his eyes Kowalski allowed himself to slink through the gap in the gates, starting off easily through the methodical chaos of the piles of metal and machinery. Sparky was one of the few workers at the junkyard, the girl was quite loud and often vulgar but she knew how to laugh. Sadly she had no idea how to keep a secret, Mostly the teeny white lie he had told her about the fact he was a genius (Not a lie) inventing in his free time between making ends meet at his job as a waiter. (That was a lie. Obviously.) The reason for telling the girl anything at all was mostly borne out of the fact that she had found him passed out after testing out one of his more experimental inventions after retrieving the final part needed. Needless to say, it hadn't gone well. But good news that everyone else she told seemed to have a little common sense and knew what 'please don't tell anyone else' meant.

Including the Gay mechanic, Sebastian, who took apart old cars. However it was just a little awkard running into him, simply because he lived in the deluded fantasy that the scientist was also gay. Kowalski cringed. Yeah. No way to make that sound good.

He turned another corner only to stop, tilting his head to the side as he noticed the figure swaying slightly to the heavy rock pouring in over the speakers.

"Um." He asked, slightly hesitant. "Who are you?"

The girl swung around, mouth stretched into an almost impossibly massive grin. Her teal eye's glinted dangerously before dulling slightly, sanity returning to the depths. Holding up one finger she dug around in her back pocket before tossing him her cracked brown leather wallet.

He caught it, and looked up confused. "Uh, What?"

She rolled her eyes and mimed opening it. Blinking he followed the action and found the answer to him question on proud display in the clear slit, printed on fluorescent orange paper.

_Hi. I'm Rebecca, And I'm Mute._

He looked up sharply, And Rebecca struck a pose, jazz hands included, and she mouthed clearly 'Hooray.'

For the first time Kowalski took note of the girl, she was tall, but not as tall as him with tanned skin and long black tousled hair peppered with blue and white streaks. Obviously unnerved by his searching gaze she held her hands up, an awkward expression on her face. He jerked back to reality and chuckled. "Yeah, sorry about that."

He passed the wallet back to the girl and she took it with a nod and tilted her head to the side.

"Oh." He gasped. "Uh, My bad. I'm Kowalski."

This time it was her turn to be surprised. She took a half step backwards and shot him a decidedly wary glance.

He shrugged. "A good friend of mine has vocal problems. Nearly everything he says sounds like Gibberish. Thankfully once you've been around him for long enough you develop and understanding for what he's saying, but mostly he tends to stick to gestures and facial expressions." He waved a hand in the her direction with a small smile. "Like you're doing."

She returned the grin and stuck her hand out.

Kowalski took it and nodded his head. "Pleasure to meet you Rebecca." He stated, meeting her gaze evenly. For some reason her eyes seemed so Familiar. The Pupil was ringed by an almost yellow hue the colour quickly dissolving into a blue-green and the outer of the iris a perfect blue. So familiar but he couldn't pick for the life of him who else he could have met with such beautiful eyes. The hair however was a dead on replica on what Rico's hair would look like if he grew it out.

Witch might actually happen if Private didn't make good on his promise to drag him to a hairdressers at some point.

Suddenly the gorgeous eyes lit with a flicker of insanity. Rebecca smiled broadly again and turned, pulling on Kowalski's hand insistently, motioning with a finger for him to follow.

Lifting up their hands he smirked. "It's not exactly like I have much choice do I?"

She nodded furiously and led the Scientist around the mound of car parts she had been standing beside. A rusty, beat up Toyota was stranded a clear run of about 20 meters away, one of the doors missing and all the wheels gone. He girl seemed to get a fraction more excited and let her hand slither away from the tacticians, holding it up in a stay position.

He waved a hand, a faint trickle of nerves jarring down the back of his spine. "Go ahead."

Rebecca winked and started off towards the car, head up, shoulders back and a strange almost skipping bounce to her long gait. The girl carried herself with a confidence that Kowalski couldn't help but find both dwarfing and at the same time infectious.

He smacked his palm into the centre of his forehead. "Don't you dare." He muttered. "You know how this is going to end, you've done it before!"

Suddenly she was sprinting back towards him, arms waving, eyes flickering and mouth back in the same crazed clown grin he had seen before.

His eyes narrowed and he lent forward "What is it-" He started, only to break off into a yelp of surprise as the car exploded. The roof erupted off and the sides exploded out with a violent force. The scent of burning and gasoline hit him only moments after as he took a couple of teetering steps back, coughing to try clear the thick taste of smoke from where it was rammed down his throat.

"Ah, Oh God." He gasped, filling his lungs with the dusty air. A series of small thuds encouraged him to look up, a small smile curling upwards as he realized the thudding was the sound of Rebecca's feet as she jumped from foot to foot, hands flapping violently.

Kowalski couldn't help but smile, despite the deep coughs his body was still hacking up in a petty fight against the smoke in his lungs. "Some explosion." He rasped.

She turned sharply on her heels and smirked, tossing her head from side to side knotty curls being thrown about. And those vibrant, almost unhinged eyes were still lit with that crazy inner fire. Her whole appearance screamed danger, and as much as the Scientist was hitting himself on the inside for it, it was possibly the reason she was topping the scales for the most desirable girl he had ever seen in his whole life. Even over Doris, who with her dark green eyes, gentle golden curls with the funny feather braids and daring intellect was so far out of his league it wasn't funny.

It was when she started waving a hand desperately he realized she was waiting for him to say something. His mouth jumped the gun, spouting the first brain dribble it could summon. "You are so beautiful." He rushed, pulling back and clamping a hand over him mouth only a split second after.

'_you did not just do that.' _He averted his gaze sharply and screwd his eyes shut, cursing desperately as he heard the jumping stop. The heated flush crashed over his skin and washed up his scrawny neck and pale face, the heat of it making him want to claw at his skin until it was tearing off in ribbons.

"Ah, listen I'm sorry… I just cannot believe…" He started, stammering and stumbling over his syllables in a way that was eerily similar to the way he would find his way around a dark room full of furniture.

He cringed even further away and the girl grabbed his arm, ready for the pain as she twisted around behind his back. Strangly she didn't, a faintly bitter scent touching his nose just as the cold kiss of the marker started to scratch over his skin. Daring to open one eye the cap of the marker was between her teeth and she was scribbling quickly onto his fore arm with her left hand. Tilting her head and deciding she was happy with whatever had been scrawled over the skin she went to pop the cap back on the pen. Anxious The scientist twisted his arm back towards him and let his gaze fall on the first barely legible letter only to have his head clamped in what felt like a vice.

His head was dragged down as the mute girl kissed him lightly on the end of his nose.

He blinked rapidly as the strong grip faded, eyes following Rebecca as she took a few backward steps away, fingers waggling in a flirtatious wave before turning on her heel and continuing to walk away.

'_That could not have just happened.' _He decided finally. _'have I taken any hallucinogens as of late?'_

He righted himself and cleared his throat, hoping that no one had just seen him stand hunched over for five minutes staring at the space were a mythical girl had just vanished. It was then he noticed the writing on his forearm.

It was hardly to be considered legible, some of it was smeared slightly from the fact her had had rubbed over it as well, but he almost stopped breathing as he processed what had been scrawled over his skin.

_027 8433622  
Maybe we could go… get coffee? I donno. Rebecca._

"YES!" He shouted arms up and head thrown back. This started the impromptu dance that eventually came to a close as he fell backwards over a busted engine, smacking his head against the ground.

"Kowalski? Heather told me you were here!"

"Oh damn damn damn damn damnit!" Kowalski muttered, hands clamping over his eyes.

A shadow fell over his face, blotting out the burning sunlight. "K, you do realize that even if you cover your eyes I can still see you right?"

He screwed his eyes shut before letting them creep open a fraction, attempting to swallow the blush threatening to stain his face with crimson "Yes Sebastian. I do know that. It's basic knowledge of the human anatomy and common sense." He squeaked out

"Righty ho. Just making sure you weren't loosing that brilliant and charming mind of yours." He giggled, reaching out a hand to aid the fallen man to his feet.

Resigning himself to attempting to discover a way out of that situation, Kowalski Sat up and with the help of the nearby stack of bonnets pulled himself up, scuttling away from the smaller male.

Sebastian with-drew his hand, looking faintly disappointed before smiling again. "So working on anything interesting as of late?" He asked, advancing slightly towards him, forcing the tactician to take a nervous half step back.

"Ah, no. I'm just here looking for car parts to help a friend." He lied, trying to dodge around the mechanic only to have his arm caught in the deceptively strong grip.

Sebastian shook his head and shot him a knowing look. "Now, now K. I've seen the notes on your arm. What did you misplace your clip-board again." He scoffed, twisting the limb at an awkward angle to try read it clearer, causing the scientist to gasp in pain.

"Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow-" He yelped, pulling his arm back as the grip was released.

"Rebecca?" The tone wasn't light and teasing anymore, voice stony and outraged. Kowalski looked up from rubbing the strained limb and felt his eyes widen in slight fear. Sebastian's face was cold and filled with hardly contained rage.

"Uh-"

He cut him off. "That stupid Floozy who's been since Tuesday blowing up cars and jumping up and down as they Explode. Seriously! Her?" He raged. "You could probably have anyone you wanted just by snapping your fingers and you choose her?"

"Actually I'm a very bad introvert who finds social situations awkward and always say's things no one can understand and you can tell I'm feeling really out of my comfort zone because now I'm babbling; please don't stand so close to me…" Kowalski dropped off as he ran out of breath, forcing a smile on his face as the mechanic scowled even deeper and turned away, stalking off huffing angrily under his breath.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he fished it out, still slightly frazzled. The message alert blinked at him, Rico's Text waiting to be read.

_MAYDAY. WE R OUT OF COFFEE. IM NT JOKIN. U HVE 2 SAVE ME B4 SKIP KILLS ME!_

Kowalski let his face drop and virtually froze. Skipper and Private had been out on night Recon last night and apparently got back late because skipper had left a note on the table to say that whoever woke him up would get a punishment as severe as he could make it, it had been right next to Rico's note about going on a run or something. But the Idea of Skipper without his coffee in the morning was like lighting a match and giving it to the weapons expert in front of anything even slightly flammable. In short terms without it they were screwed.

_Ill stop store on the way bak._

He paused before adding

_Just dnt die._

The car could wait.

**Hi. **

**It's late, but I'm going to give you all a little clue!  
EVEN THE MOST INSUGNIFFICANT DETALS MEAN SOMETHING. D:**

**Because I just can't leave well enough alone I have to make this a mystery as well. X/**

**Meh, whatever. I hope you guys like it! From here on out it's pretty much always going to be from Privates perspective!**

**Toodles! :D**


	2. Chapter 2

Chaos.

He lived with the definition of 'Psychotic'. Chaos was to be expected.

But this wasn't the usual kind of chaos.

Rico was standing on a chair, laughing like crazy as he fended off Kowalski with one arm and continued to hold the cell phone out of reach with the other and text. The scientist looked rabid, yelling and scratching at the Weapons expert feverishly, panic in his eyes.

"Hullo?" Priavte asked, not really wanting to interrupt the crazy moment.

Rico's eyes dropped a fraction of the insanity and his head towards him, grinning as he waved the hand with the phone in it. "Hie Pri." He Grunted cheerfully, like Kowalski wasn't hurling, What private was pretty sure was abuse, at him. Then again Kowalski stuffed so many syllables and words into his sentences it was a wonder anyone would be able to understand him at all.

"You neurologically deficient Psychopath! Would you stop being such a bona fide coccydynia!" Kowalski shouted

Rico Laughed and kicked him lightly in the stomach. "kesstyon ma'k. Tran'la'tion pl'es!" He retaliated.

The scientist continued to claw at him. "You brain dead Maniac! Quit Being a Real Pain in the ass!"

Rico raised an eye-brow and chuckled. "Oh oh oooh – Woah!" He choked off as Kowalski tackled him from the chair, still shouting, and attempted to pin him to the floor.

Skipper Walked in off the balcony and hooked his foot around to swing the door shut. "Greetings Private." He called, waving a hand with that familiar 'I know something you don't' Smirk on his face.

"Oh hullo skipper." He greeted, waiting for the two soldiers to roll past, hissing and spitting like a pair of wild-cats, before crossing over to his leader. "You do Know that Rico and K'walski are fighting right?"

"Affermative." Skipper sighed, looking at the pair out of the corner of his eyes. "They've been going at it like hormone crazed teenage girls over a pair of new shoes for the last three and a half minutes."

Private let his eyes narrow slightly in confusion. "What? Don't you think you should stop them?"

Skipper laughed, taking a sip out of the mug in his hand. "why should I? It's a training exercise and free entertainment Private." He turned his full attention on the pair. "Kowalski! That is weak man!" He barked.

The tactician was still struggling, but it was plainly pointless as Rico sat, almost bored on his chest and continued to text, mumbling to himself as he did so.

Sighing Skipper turned and perched on the end of a chair, elbows resting on his knees and he pointed his metal mug at the chair across from him. "So how was the water?"

"Refreshing. Bit chilly though." He commented, bouncing into the blue armchair and dropping his bag by his feet.

Skipper took another drink from his mug before scrutinising the youngest requite. "You're really getting into this whole 'top physical form' thing aren't you?" he commented.

Private shrugged. "Well I'm getting jolly well-"

He broke off an outraged cry drowned out his reply. Rico jumped to his feet and stared incredulously down at the scientist. "Yhu bi' me!" He cried, before directing his attention towards his comrades and pointing his arms desperately at the ground. "He bi' me!"

"Desperate times, Desperate mea- RICO!" Kowalski shouted, stumbling to his feet and dashing after the cackling weapons expert down the hall were the sound of slamming doors and rapid fire knocks soon echoed from.

The black haired man blinked twice and lifted the coffee to his lips. "Continue."

He furrowed his brows. "Don't you think you should find out what's going on?" He offered, twisting around to watch the door in case they came rushing back through it.

"Negative. They can do as they please, and If it's go at each-other's throats over a phone then that's their problem." He chuckled. "Those knuckle-heads."

With a resigned sigh Private relaxed into the chair and folded his arms across his chest, still desperate to know what was up with his friends. It wasn't that it was unusual for them to fight, but it was what it was about that was always so amusing. Brains over brawn, what kind of Christmas decorations to use even how to operate a remote control tank. But it was never anything… major. No, it seemed like whenever something horrific or dangerous popped up they were there, ready and more than capable of sorting it out.

And heck, working together they were probably even a test for Skipper!

"So, See anything unusual while you were swimming?" Skipper asked, getting up and taking his cup over the sink to wash.

"Uh… Oh! Yes. You remember that nosey old lady from the second floor?" he queried.

Pausing the older soldier turned and lent on the bench, eyes narrowing. "Yes. What about her."

"She wants to meet my parents-"

Skipper jumped up, mouth downturned in an expression of both surprise and horror. "What!" He yelped.

Private cringed and nodded. "That's what I said. Apparently the old bat believes that 'three mischievous troublemakers are no role-model for a young boy.'"

The head commando narrowed his eyes. "The crazed loon." He growled.

"I know! I'm not _that _young." He grumbled.

"Not that." He dismissed. "But calling me a poor role-model? Ooh, that woman has way over stepped her mark." He glowered.

The younger couldn't help but crack a small grin at his leaders ego, before it fell into a look of worry. Twisting his hands he stood up and crossed over to the slightly taller man. "What are we going to do skipper?"

"Simple." He barked, slamming a fist into his open palm. "We find you a mother! Marlene could do in a pinch…" He mused.

"But skipper they live in the same building! Don't you think there's a high chance that they will have met before?" He asked anxiously.

The leader growled. "Darn it. We'll have to extend our range. And admittedly that's not far, the only girls we know outside the apartment block are either Blowholes minions, Ex-girlfriends or Rico's cat." He shuddered. "And I hate to think of witch out of those three would be worse to approach."

They both fell silent for a moment before Private piped up again. "What about Kitka? You two didn't end on such bad terms did you?"

Skipper frowned. "No dice Private, I got a memo from the head. She's been taking time off since Tuesday."

The curly haired boy gasped. "But she's the only American sector Pilot! What are people supposed to do about missions?"

Skipper shrugged. "Post-pone? I don't know the answers to everything Private." He glared.

"Fine! Fine, no need to get touchy about it." Priavte muttered, turning around just in time for Kowalski to walk in, slump into the a chair and slam his head with enough force to shatter a cinder-block wall against the table.

"My life officially ended approximately 1.34 minutes ago." He groaned, smacking his head again.

Skipper lent back against the counter again, familiar smirk in place. "What's wrong now hormone driven teenage female?"

"Rico stole my phone and- Wait, what did you just say?" Kowalski asked, leaning over the table with a confused look on his face.

"Oh, nothing… nothing. What was that soldier?" Skipper asked, attempting to be innocent. Kowalski didn't seem fooled, face drawn as he spat out.

"Rico has my phone and is currently sending what are most probably very incriminating text messages to the utterly heart shatteringly attractive girl I met at the junkyard this morning-"

"Hold the phone." Skipper demanded. "You went to the Junkyard this morning? Under who's orders?"

Kowalski rolled his eyes. "You were asleep I so remind you, And I was attempting to fix the car as per your previous orders. Speaking of witch the same jeep witch was destroyed by Rico!" He defended, leaning back as he shouted the last sentence.

Skipper nodded. "Point taken. Now back to this girl of yours, Doris was at the Junk-yard?"

Kowalski groaned and rose from the chair, arms flailing in the over extravagant hand-gestures he only use when exhausted by explaining something. "No. She wasn't…" He paused, like he was composing himself before rushing over the two syllables "Doris, But, Oh my sweet Galileo she blows the standard for desirable girls out of the water and towards the very edges of our known universe."

As if realizing what he was saying wasn't having an impact he darted over to skippers side and flung an arm over his shoulder pulling him towards himself and thrusting an arm out. "Picture it. She's Dangerous but witty and spontaneous but flirty."

Skipper made a face. "Sounds a little far-fetched."

Kowalski shook his head frantically. "Oh no Skipper, I thought so too, but look!" He cried, rolling up his sleeve to reveal the black marker etched onto his skin.

"Oh whoa Kowalski, That's Fantastic!" Private cheered, reaching up to pat him on the shoulder.

The scientist sighed and slumped a little. "Yeah. But now all chances of pursuing any kind of relationship, platonic or otherwise with her has been dashed on the cruel rocks of Rico's unpredictable insanity." He pouted.

The door crept open a fraction and Rico slunk into the room, still with the same bright mischievous glint in his eyes and he tip-toed up and threw his arms around the scientist from behind, resting his head on his shoulder as the tactician froze.

"Cut it out Rico. I'm not talking to you." Kowalski glowered.

Rico shrugged and rolled his eyes. "Meh. Okay, Oo Don wanna da'e den." He stated, only to be thrown of as Kowalski turned and practically leapt on him, eyes wide with hope.

"What did you just say?" He squealed.

Rico chuckled as tossed him the phone. "Yeah, yeah oo go sukkah." He motioned.

Kowalski paced and ran a hand through his hair, tugging at his fringe desperately, ripping strands of the blue-black mat out in his anxiety. Then he was jumping up and down and yelling. And then he was jumping on Rico. And then both of them were on the floor again.

Skipper smirked and whispered, barely audible over the screaming fit Kowalski was having. "You two are going to dress up as a middle-aged British couple tomorrow. If you agree to this don't be silent."

The two carried on shouting regardless.

Skipper lent back an exchanged a brief glace with the bewildered private. Shrugging he turned back to the dirty cup in the sink. "They agreed Private. Meet your parents."

"Oh." The boy sighed, watching as one of his Parents started to slap the other lightly.

He was going to have to hope that Mrs Middlebrooke was a very gullible person.

**Show up next time for Kowalski in a dress.  
:D  
Yep… I'm sadly not joking…  
D:  
Review! Because Reviews are like candy. And I like Candy  
:D  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**SO MUCH CANDY!  
Heh… Been a little while hasn't it… BUT I'M BACK! SO HAVE NO FEAR!  
Writer's block. Dear gawd… this chapter *Beats head repeatedly against a cinderblock.***

**Kowalski in a dress. I promise, and I deliver ;D**

**(Cough*Ishouldbedoinghomeworkrightn ow…* cough)**

Also, on a completely unrelated note do you like my new Avatar? Yes? It's Pewdiepie playing happy wheels! (Brofist to all the bro's out there XD) 

Sometimes the scientist contemplated whether or not it was all worth it. It could have all been over, one blink and the blazing wooden roof could have crushed him into the peaceful oblivion of the beyond, but no. He just had to take the girls hand when she offered it and now look where he was standing.

Right next to his friend as Skipper and Marlene discussed how to get them to look like a middle-aged married couple. You know, the usual activity one should be doing on a Friday morning. Right after being awoken by getting pelted with tennis balls and getting halfway through a waffle only to have it snagged off your plate by a tawny haired 8 year old who's legal guardians apparently forgot to feed him occasionally.

"This is not normal." He stated, cutting off Skippers rant as he argued with their upstairs neighbour as the four other people in the room turned and gave him a hard look.

Blinking under the close scrutiny of their incredulous gazes he dropped his eyes and sighed, waving a hand. "Carry on, forget I said anything."

A tap on his shoulder caught his attention and he turned around, Rico standing there with two hats in each hand giving him a serious look. "whddaya ink?" He asked, putting the top hat on his head, before promptly switching it for the fedora, striking silly poses as he did so. The scientist rolled his eyes, chuckling slightly as the weapons expert jumped. "Oh!" He promptly put the top hat back on, balancing the fedora on top of it. Carefully he turned his gaze back to the mirror and grinned, "Oh yah baby." He muttered jokingly, still watching the amused tactician out of the corners of his eyes.

Shaking his head Kowalski leaned over and snatched hats, resting the fedora back on Rico's head at a jaunty angle before placing the top-hat on his own head. He paused as if considering before stating, "No, this will never do," and pulling the hat right down over Rico's eyes.

The weapons expert twisted away and stood up-right a few paces back, grinning still.

"What are you two doing?"

He turned in time to hear Rico say "be'in faboolos!" Mocking a stereotypical teenage girls voice as private blinked at them.

Kowalski shrugged. "I was contemplating the nature of events until I noticed how dashing I apparently look in a top hat." Brushing imaginary dust off the rim of the hat he placed it back on his head, arms going behind his back.

The boy nodded slowly, like he was processing what he had just said, Dark brown curls bobbing as he did. "All over my head K'walski." he finally stated.

"Nothing Private." He sighed instead, before looking a little more seriously at the younger boy through narrowed eyes. "Have you worked out what you are going to say to Mrs Middlebrooke?" He quizzed him.

The younger shrugged. "I kinda figured I'd just play it by ear and see what happens."

"Riiiight." Kowalski drawled, one hand moving to his hip. "Of course…"

Marlene then piped up, holding up a pair of equally repulsive looking costume dresses. "Kowalski? Blue or Yellow, What do you think?"

There was a moment of science until Rico started laughing, hands over his face and he bent forward, spine quaking as he howled. Kowalski was looking like someone had just smacked him in the face with a chicken cutlet as he chuckled nervously. "He-he… Tell me with is some kind of poorly thought out joke?"

"Joke?!" Skipper snapped, jumping to his feet and stalking over the taller male, prodding him in the chest. "You think this is a joke Man? The Privates cover is almost blown and you think this is a joke?! This is not a drill!"

Kowalski was leaning back, blinking rapidly as his team leader took a couple of deep breaths before sighing. "Uh... I guess not?" He offered, one eye squinting slightly in confusion.

"Heck yeah." He said turning around for a moment only to turn back. "Now suck it up, take it like a man and wear the yellow dress, it'll work better with the wig."

The girl grinned and nodded. "I thought so, but you know, didn't want to say anything."

Skipper pointed in her direction. "sister you have serious style."

Kowalski looked down as he felt a rush of air go past his foot. Rico was sprawled on the ground in silent stiches, mouth opened almost impossibly wide as he clutched his side and hammered the ground. A strange mix of a laugh and gasp erupted as he spoke. "*Mie daw' ur's!" He howled, disintegrating back into peals of laughter.

"I'm glad you find this so amusing. Perhaps you'd prefer to wear the dress hmm?" He growled holding the repulsive lemon dress at arms-length and scowling.

Rico's only response was to laugh harder.

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Private swallowed, looking at his 'parents'.

Kowalski looked particularly upset. Scowling bitterly and shooting vicious glares in various directions as he pulled the sun-hat ever lower over his eyes, foot tapping impatiently in the awful brown shoes. With the tights, dress, cardi and a wig at Marlene's insistence he would have pulled it off. Unfortunately Skippers Paranoia set in and this led to a 'stuffing' and letting Marlene attack him with a make-up brush.

It took not a lot to say that if anyone even looked at him funny he was probably going to rip their head off with his bare hands.

Rico however was just acting like a perfectly normal civilized person for once. With the old tweed coat and pants he looked right and as long as he kept the bowler hat on and stopped trying to scratch off the foundation covering his scar there wouldn't be a problem.

"Are you going to knock on the door or not!" Kowalski snapped, heavily made up eyes set to kill.

"Oh yes… Um… Just play it by ear I guess." Private mumbled, turning sharply and glancing cautiously over his shoulder before politely rapping on the door, "Act… I donno, Couplely?" He added finally, stepping back a few steps to wait for the elderly woman to open the door.

Moments later she did, the rather round woman squinting at him for a moment, as if she was trying to decide who he was.

Deciding that it would be better to help the process along he smiled brightly. "Hullo Mrs Middlebrook! It's me, Private."

Her face didn't change as she grumbled out a barely audible sentence. "Oh yes. And who are your friends here? They better not be that riff-raff you hand around with."

Private could feel a cold sweat beading up on the back of his neck as he twisted his hands together. "No Mrs Middlebrook, these are my," He grimaced, "Parents."

Kowalski took a chance to drop in on the conversation, voice high and fruity as he started to make a mockery of English women. "Yes, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Karen, Josephs mother. This is my…" the scientist froze, face almost screwing up in horror. "My husband…" he muttered end of his word trailing off.

"Ricado!" Private offered instantly, chuckling as if to relieve his outburst afterwards. "My dads name… It's ricardo…" He almost jumped as he felt a hand land on his shoulder and craned his neck up to see Rico smiling and nodding.

Thankfully this seemed to please the old lady as she cracked a smile similar to what you would get if you cut a curved shape into a brick of cheese. "Well isn't that nice. It is a pleasure to meet you two."

Kowalski was frowning again. "Yeah. You too-" He cut off with a yelp as Rico slyly jabbed him in the side with his elbow. Clearing his throat he returned to the high pitched mockery. "Yes, It's lovely to meet you as well. Now Joseph has been telling me that you have some problems with his friends? "

And just like flicking off a light switch the smile was gone. "Oh yes. Now, you seem like a respectable woman so I must ask what your son is doing in the company of such… delinquents."

Private dead-panned, blood going cold as he waited for the scientist to lunge at the woman and try to rip out her spine. Thankfully he didn't, But Private could hear the tensed anger in the scientists voice as he stated from behind gritted teeth. "We travel a fair bit for work. It is much easier for Joseph if he is among his peers than being bored to death while we work."

She nodded, as if the scientist response was somehow what she had expected. "Well yes, but surely you couldn't have found _family _or some other arrangement…?"

"Are Family." Rico coughed out, startling both Private and his supposed wife. In retrospect it was cunning Idea, it hid his very recognisable voice well and gave a reasonable excuse for the hoarse and raspy undertone.

"Errr, yes… Skipper! You see, he's my sisters son…" Kowalski trailed off, sounding incredibly awkward as he found himself at a loss of what to say. "Yep… He's a real trooper that kid. Always very polite and _respectable._"

Private almost cringed. '_subtle Kowalski. Very subtle.'_

"Well I suppose…" She droned, "But do you really trust th-"

"Yes."

That time he did cringe. '_Get any more subtle there Kowalski?!'_

The older lady sighed, almost as if she were exasperated. "Fine. I am in no position to tell you how to run your affairs. At least he has such loving parents."

"Well of course I mean-" Kowalski broke off with a high pitched yelp for the second time, and this was obviously not because Rico had decided to call him up on forgetting his fake voice.

Confused Private turned slightly and let his face drop. His first thought was to blame himself, this was not what he meant by acting 'coupley'. Rico had managed to twine his arm around the startled scientist's middle and drag him closer, forcing them, at least what he could gathers from Kowalski's expression, uncomfortably close. He turned sharply back to the older woman and smiled awkwardly. "Heh, Thank you Mrs Middlebrook."

She smiled again. "Your welcome."

And then the door shut on them and Rico promptly stepped away, letting Kowalski use his own force to topple himself over backwards into the potted fern that stood next to the woman's front door.

"Well!" He chirped, trying to lighten the mood before Kowalski started yelling. "That could have gone much worse."

The tactician rolled his eyes and pushed himself up off the floor, bringing the battered fern up with him and setting it down. "Yes, we could have died In a flaming ball of agony," He stopped, pulling the wig and cheap hat off, shaking his hair out over his face again, "but perhaps that will just be Rico's fate, after all I do know a series of dangerous chemicals that ca…"His sentence dropped off and he stared horror stricken down the hallway.

"What? Is it Dr Blowhole, Or Hans!?" Private asked, leaning around Rico who was obstructing his view of the end of the corridor.

It was like someone had taken a plank and struck him around the head with it. The girl standing at the end of the corridor had one hand over her mouth and was bent over like she was trying not to laugh. But she looked almost _exactly_ like Rico. Her hair was the same, which was definitely odd considering Rico's was an accident, and the eyes looked like some sort of freaky photo-shopped nightmare.

Kowalski moaned and let his head fall into his hands. "I would try tell you that this isn't what it looks like, but sadly, it is." He removed his hands for a moment. "Still, when I pictured I would do something awkward, this was _not quite _what I had imagined."

Rico shrugged. "Whadda ya gonna do?" He offered bluntly.

The girl paused, biting her lower lip before covering her mouth with her hand again. Finally, with her free hand she motioned at the scientist and cocked an eye-brow, jerking her head back towards the stairwell.

Kowalski, who currently had the complexion of a tomato took on a slightly more hopeful expression. "Seriously? You still want to go get coffee? Even after _this_?"

She rolled her eyes, holding up two fingers with one and covering her eyes with the other.

Private took a half-step backwards as Kowalski bolted, a little surprised. "Kowalski?!" He yelled.

"Now is not the time Private!" Was the response he got, which was accompanied by the sound of feet hitting the metal stairs.

Then came the familiar crashing sound of someone falling down the metal stairs.

All three cringed visibly.

Private started walking after the scientist , waving slightly to the crazed looking female. "I'll just go make sure he hasn't hurt himself." He stated awkwardly, bounding up the steps.

On a normal day Kowalski walked fast. His stride was massive and he just always seemed to have a purpose. Now it almost seemed like he was taking the steps three at a time as the younger soldier scurried up the stairs after him.

By the time he had managed to arrive at the scientist's door he had already shed the costume and pulled on a pair of grey jeans. He was muttering as he pulled a light blue dress shirt from the closet and stated tugging it on.

Private lent against the door-jamb, panting quietly. "Kowalski?"

"Yes?"

"Is that Rebecca?"

Kowalski pulled on a white and blue striped sweater and began tussling with the sleeves. "Yes she is." He paused, looking almost dreamily for a moment. "A real beauty right? So wild… but I know I can tame her!"

Private bit his lip and looked away, trying to refrain from informing his higher up at she looked identical to a fellow soldier in their unit. "Yeah, sure Kowalski. So what's she like?"

He shrugged, struggling with his shoes. "Funny, Crazy bordering on insane uh, fearless – why do you want to know?"

Private pouted. "So now I can't know about your girl-friend? What, is that classified too?"

Kowalski chuckled. "Hardly, and you know skipper doesn't tell you these things because-"

"-Because it's for my own good. I know, I heard the speech." He grumbled.

The tactician finally stood, brushing down his chest. "Do I look reasonably presentable?" He asked nervously.

Private nodded, a smirk on the corners of his lips. "Sure, but your mascara looks a little smudged."

A look of realization crossed his face and he laughed pleasantly. "Sweet sub-atomic particles it's a good thing I asked you that question."

Private giggled. "You're telling me!"

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

It wasn't too late when the door burst open and Kowalski practically danced in, grinning like an idiot as he did. "Guess who the luckiest man in Manhattan is!" he proclaimed.

Private looked up from his book, and smiled, placing his juice on the table. "You?"

Pulling up a chair Kowalski chuckled. "Damn straight I am!"

"Well that's wonderful! How did the date go?" He asked.

He didn't even bat an eye-lid. "Brilliantly! We got coffee, talke… uh, conversed and went for a leisurely stroll around central park."

Private smiled, not noticing the shadow before it was too late. Kowalski shouted and shot out of the chair, blood leaking from the deep gashes as he struggled. Rico, who had obviously heard the noise from his room, ran in and started attempting to aid the cursing lieutenant.

"For crying out loud! Get that cat de-clawed or something before it kills me in my sleep!" Kowalski shouted.

Rico pouted, expanding his eyes and lifting the ginger and white cat up to his face as it purred. "Com' on Walski." He whimpered.

The scientist didn't seem even slightly fazed. "A crazy pyromaniac and an assassin devil-spawn feline does not exactly tug on one's heart-strings." He stated.

The weapons expert looked offended, covering one of his cats ears and murmuring to her as she purred.

"It seems like she hates you Kowalski, She likes Skipper and I and simply adores Rico, yet every time she sees you it's like your face becomes a scratching post." Private added, looking suspiciously at the cat curled in Rico's arms.

He honestly didn't even know where the cat came from. It was just one day he woke up and Boom! Rico had managed to not only find a stray ginger tabby and white cat on the street, but manage convince Skipper to let him keep it. That alone was a mystery. However soon the small kitten had grown into a horse sized cat with a tendency to shed everywhere and attack Kowalski whenever he came near her.

"Miss Perky." Kowalski huffed. "More like Miss Homicidal."

Rico only grinned wickedly and set the purring feline on the floor, walking towards the cabinets, with her trailing behind him, weaving in and out of his legs.

"I honestly cannot get my head around that mammal." He said, watching her carefully as he nudged Rico's leg. "I haven't done anything to it! Abusive or otherwise! Your cat is a menace to society."

Rico didn't even have response, just tipping some antiseptic onto a cloth and tilting the scientists head down so he could get to the vicious scratches across his forehead, chin and cheeks.

"I don't know either Kowalski." Private sighed, moving his juice as miss perky landed on the table top and started nosing his hand. Absently he started stroking the rumbling she-cat as he watched attentively as Rico carefully dabbed the cuts, brows furrowed in concentration as Kowalski hissed and fidgeted.

It wasn't debated that Private knew the least, especially when it came his team mates. He knew that Skipper had worked with Johnson and Manfredi more than the other two, and that they had been recruited around the same time but other than that, nothing! He didn't even know if Kowalski's name was his last or his first or if that even was his name! He assumed Rico's name was actually his name, and Skipper… Well he'd be stumped before he even knew where to start with that one.

"Are you guys close?"

Kowalski looked slightly started by the question. "I'm sorry?"

"I said, are you guys close? Like friends?"

The scientist shrugged. "I suppose so. I can't see a reason why not."

Rico however was nodding furiously, tightening the cap on the antiseptic. " 'e 'aved my li'e."

Kowalski shook his head at that, looking slightly pleased. "Hardly. I didn't really do anything aside from pick locks and run. Oh, and give you access to a pipe." He cringed. "that was a _very _good thing."

Private was at an absolute loss. "I don't quite understand."

The pair shared a look, both expressions knowing and wary. "Classified."

The boy slumped against the table, finger's combing through miss Perky's fur. "Of course it is. It always is."

**Lawl. This is so late… but the truth is… I was struck with writers block! *Gasps of shock horror… or just blank eyes staring at a screen.* But yeah, I was something awful. Still! I have pulled through and should hopefully be updating this story regularly! It's only going to be about 14 chapter's long, give or take a few.**

**Bye! And Review, if you're still there after so long XD**


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